A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night
by From the Silent Planet
Summary: And other intellectual (hah) musings of Manic Marauders. Proving yet again that nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. Chapter six is up!
1. I Wonder How Deep

There is a blank page in front of me......and it demands to be filled. So it shall. With utter nonsense. But hey, here we go again....

I don't own Harry Potter. So there. NO slash in this story.

**I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be Without Sponges?**

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It was dark again. It's funny how that happens. It's light, and then suddenly it was dark. Light, dark, light, dark, light, dark, like a never ending cycle, as the planet keeps its orbit.....as time slipped like sand in the hourglass....as the planet spun on axis....

"Sirius Black stop playing with the light switch already! It's hurting my eyes." James rolled over, pulling his pillow over his eyes.

Sirius groaned as he moved away from the fifth year Gryffindor boys light switch. "Awww James, I'm sooo bored... I'm meellttinngg...."

"Well, there's always..." Scores of pillows were thrown onto the bed of one Remus Lupin, with intent to kill and enough force knock him to the ground.

"Well, heaven forbid you should try to improve your minds sometime other than in-between eight and three..." He muttered.

"Would you shut up about homework already Rem?" said Peter from the corner bed, where he was attempting to sit with his head on the floor and his legs slung over the bed. "Don't you think we're smart enough already?"

The others stared at him.

"What?" He mumbled, as his face slowly turned red, not from embarrassment but from sitting on his head too long.

"Err...Pete? Where is your history book?" asked James.

"Under the far table leg. It was a little rickety so I fixed it." He said.

James walked over and pulled it out.

"Pete, do you see something wrong here?" He asked, looking casual.

"Like what?"

"Like, maybe, that its _still in its original plastic cover_? Like, it's_ never been opened_?" He said.

"Oh, that. Top resale value when it's never been opened" He said proudly.

The others stared. "Um, where do you sell it?" asked Remus.

Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'd _tell _you, but then I'd have to _kill_ you." He said slyly, struggling to pull himself up from the floor, but only succeeding in falling fully off the bed with a loud THUNK.

The others looked at each other for a moment, but then chose to ignore it. Remus coughed quietly.

"So, James....how is Quiddi.."

"Oh, it is awesome, we practiced from five till eight today. Rather early, but you know, no pain, no gain! We did all sorts of drills, then we planned lots of...."

Ten minutes later Remus sincerely regretted asking, and began to glance around the room as James energetically showed him different moves with much waving and thrashing of hands. Peter was drooling as he stared at a jelly squid he was contemplating eating, and Sirius studied something he'd found under his nail.

"Guys, do you maybe want to go do something...we could go to the kitchens...."

"And torment the house elves!" Sirius jumped up with excitement.

"Sirius! That's NOT what they're there for..." James gave up when he saw the manic smile spread across Sirius' face.

"No, lets go try and find another passageway..." Peter said.

"Guys, what do you think is the meaning of life?" Sirius's short attention span had struck again, and he was lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

"Cheese." Peter said promptly. He smiled goofily as the other boys glanced at him.

"Well, I'm definitely not saying grass. I mean, that stuff is _nasty_ even in deer form. What do you think Remus?"

Remus sighed. "I'm not sure, I mean, when you think about it..."

The others groaned. They weren't about to listen to another Remus-musing. The one on the purpose of the planet Pluto a few weeks ago had been dull enough.

"Okay, so...we could go prank Slytherins..." said Peter, attempting to cut Remus off before he got over excited about the current topic. However, it turned out his attempted intervention was not necessary.

A very loud BANG came from the lowest part of the stairwell, followed by loud thumps as someone made their angry way up the stairs. But the fifth year boys did not have to wonder whom. And their suspicions were confirmed as the door swung open.

"You four are in so much trouble..." said Professor McGonagall, standing ominously over the beds where the boys were sprawled out staring nonchalantly up at her. She pulled a letter out of her pocket and flipped it open to show them, they glanced at it from their beds. Peter ate his jelly slug. Remus coughed.

"This is a letter from the Department of Public Safety in the Ministry." She said. James blinked, then reached for his Quidditch chart. He stopped with some slight trepidation, as he saw that McGonagall was starting to steam at the ears.

"Minnie, I'm starting to get the feeling that you are upset with something." Sirius smiled cockily up at her from the nearest bed. She turned to glare threateningly at him.

"The Department has sensed that there is a safety hazard in this castle, and they are coming to inspect it tomorrow. And do you know where they discovered the safety hazard to be coming from?"

"Umm...I dunno, Snape's hair?" James laughed at his 'joke'.

"NO MR. POTTER!" She took a deep breath and glared at him, then forced her voice to a forced-calm level. "They said it was coming from Gryffindor tower. Particularly from the right side of Gryffindor tower, and specifically from _this room_. Do you have any guesses as to why that might be?"

They looked around, all waiting for the others to answer.

"So, not a one of you knows?" She asked.

"Is that a rhetoric question? Cause it sounds like..." Sirius started.

"NO IT IS NOT!" She replied. "They wrote that there is a safety hazard on the level of a large nuclear toxic waste spill coming from this room! They ask if we have students living in here, and if so then why you all haven't mutated into strange forms from it! And do you think I would be _joking?_ And that _is_ a rhetoric question! Now explain yourselves!" She took a deep breath. "What I can't understand is why the house –elves haven't cleaned up whatever it is already." She looked at them.

Sirius had the grace to look slightly guilty at this.

"Sorry Professor. The house-elves don't clean here anymore." He said.

"Well then how do your clothes get clean?" She asked.

"Rem, Jamie and Pete take their laundry to the kitchens at night and pick it up in the morning." He said, looking slightly nervous.

"Then how do you get yours clean?" She whispered.

"I wash them." He replied, glancing at the window.

"Where?" She whispered, looking like she sincerely did not want to know.

"In...the lake...every couple of weeks..." he said.

"You wear clothes that you washed in the lake." She sat down on the bed for a moment looking ill, and put her head in her hands. "Why don't the house-elves clean here anymore?"

This time it was James who replied. "Because of Sirius. He sets traps for them." Sirius glared at him furiously.

"HE WHAT?" She shouted, turning toward Sirius. A small crowd of people from the other rooms in the tower was gathering around the door. The fifth year girls looked particularly amused.

"Mr. Black, am I to understand that you SET TRAPS for the house-elves?" she asked.

The room was silent for a few minutes. "Oh, I thought that was another rhetoric question. Yes. Yes I do. But you don't have to understand it if....." Sirius didn't get any further, as Professor McGonagall had him by the ear and was getting ready to take him to the Headmaster.

"What sort of traps does he set, if I might be so bold to ask?" She turned to the other boys.

"Oh, you know, the regular kind, ropes, nets, water and other foodstuffs in buckets on the doorframes, vicious animals...." Peter stopped when he saw his friends' faces.

"But WHY in the world would you _want_ to trap house-elves?" She looked back to Sirius.

"Because they control the weather. Haven't you wondered why it always rains on Gryffindor matches, but never when Slytherin plays? House-elves are evil, I keep telling everyone but they just say I'm crazy...." Sirius drew breath. "I want to find out their secrets, so I interrogate them. I'm going to write a book one day...then I'll be rich and you will all be sorry." He smiled charmingly up at the professor.

Ten minutes later, all of the human-sized occupants of the fifth year Gryffindor boys dorm were sitting quietly on a bench in front of the Headmaster's desk. James was nursing a black eye, Peter was sucking on bruised finger and Remus was staring slightly dazed at Fawkes. Only Sirius, who Professor McGonagall blamed as the cause of the injuries, was unharmed. A minor scuffle had broken out in which Sirius Black, accused house-elf mutilator, Lily Evans, house-elf sympathizer, and a very large dust bunny from under the boys' rug had been the major offenders. The others had only attempted to break up the hair-pulling duo on the floor. McGonagall had compensated for her momentary loss of control in the situation by placing them all in detention. Lily had only escaped the Headmasters office by pleading a twisted ankle.

"So, I have been told that there is a problem in your dorm? Professor McGonagall has already explained the situation and the recent happenings, so now I think we need to decide how to deal with it." Dumbledore watched them. Remus cooing softly at Fawkes, Sirius was rubbing his sore scalp, James looked back at him and Peter contemplated eating something he'd found stuck to his pajamas.

"So headmaster, you're actually cutting deals with students now? You're letting us suggest our punishment? Well, in that case I think eating as much chocolate as we can till we're sick will be a very appropriate punishment."

"No, I don't think that will work, despite the fact that it sounds like wonderful fun and we could all use days like that. I was thinking that you four" he looked at them "need to take tomorrow off school" he waved his hand to quiet their cheering "and spend it, with the supervision of your head-of-house," he looked apologetically at McGonagall "cleaning your dormitory. _Including _under the beds." He smiled softly at the horror struck faces. "Up, up now, to bed. You need to sleep well tonight alright?"

They sputtered with outrage, but were shushed and sent to bed. As they walked back to Gryffindor tower, Peter summed up the thoughts of all four. "We....are going.... to die."

There you all are. If you want to read more, then review alrighty?


	2. The Sign of a Bad Memory

Woohoo! Never would have expected such a good response. Here we go again....

Disclaimer: Much coffee would I give to own,

Or even to have on loan,

But J.K. Rowling is supreme,

And over Harry Potter she is queen

(And that is better in the end, I say.)

And now I wish you all good day.

And that proves I am a worse poet than you, so don't worry.

**A Clear Conscience Is Usually the Sign of A Bad Memory**

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!!!!"

The sun had just risen. Birds ate the early (and ill-fated) worms; little woodland creatures came out of their burrows and were eaten by the owls that were headed back to the Owlery for the day. Hagrid groggily let Fang (who is a very long-lived dog) out, and a day in the life of Hogwarts began. However, most the occupants of the castle itself were still dead to the world, but the peace was not to last long. One teacher was awake, and she was not in a good mood.

"I told you _already_! They won't budge. I shouted for nearly half an hour, and all I have to show for it is a bruise from where I tripped over an unidentified disorganized object!" Professor McGonagall took a deep breath, and glanced at the Headmaster, who still looked half asleep.

"Maybe I should go get them up." He answered.

_ Back in Gryffindor tower_

"SNOORRKK!"

Professor McGonagall paused for a moment, glancing at the door that led to the first year boy's dormitory. She still wasn't sure how such small children could make so much noise. Finally they made it to their destination, the only room whose door was plastered with such signs as 'Beware the Dog,' 'Deer Crossing' and 'We Break for Cheese.' Shaking her head, she pulled the door open.

She glanced around the room, and then looked to Dumbledore in horror. In the morning light the task set before her was incredibly daunting. The only area of the room in which one did not have to wade through..._stuff,_ was the area immediately surrounding the bed of Remus Lupin, who looked very peaceful, curled up in a fetal position and muttering about chocolate frogs.

The occupants in the other beds took closer examination to be identified. One bed was piled high with blankets, and they determined that it contained James Potter from the tuft of black hair on the pillow and the broom propped up on more stuff. On one bed there were ankles sticking up where one normally put their head. McGonagall decided they were Peter's from the trunk at the end of the bed. By process of elimination, that left Black in the bed closest to them.

At least, McGonagall assumed there was a bed within the pile somewhere. If there was, it was completely covered in stuff. There was so much piled on the bed that it basically disappeared, along with its occupant. On the bed, under the bed, around the bed, there was so much junk that the bed's exact dimensions were indistinguishable.

"Please don't tell me one of my students is in that...mound." Dumbledore said.

She sighed. This was going to be a miserably long day.

"Okay you four, it's time to wake up." She called.

"SNNORKK!" Coming from the general direction of James.

"Time to get up! You got yourself into this mess, though how, I won't try to imagine..." Dumbledore tried.

Silence greeted his words. That is, until something gave a loud 'RIBBIT!' Sighing, McGonagall pulled out her wand and looked at Dumbledore, who nodded.

"Boys, I did warn you..." Aiming the wand at her throat, she called out her choice spell.

"_Sonorus_."

Clearing her throat, she spoke. "POTTER, BLACK, PETTIGREW, LUPIN, GET OUT OF BED NOW BEFORE YOU EARN YOURSELVES DETENTION!"

The reaction was instantaneous. Well, in one bed. Jumping nearly five feet into the air, Remus Lupin landed like a cat on the bed, his eyes bugging out. "Save the chocolate! Sacrifice Sirius instead!" He shouted, then sat panting for a moment, before he noticed the Professors.

"Um, hello, can I help you?" His cheeks colored in embarrassment.

"Did you already forget last night Mr. Lupin? Please help me wake your peers please."

Remus nodded, and maneuvered expertly through the junk to reach James's bed. "Maybe he can get Sirius up." He explained.

"James, get up." He waited for a moment. "You have to get up." Silence. "James, I really didn't want to do this." He took a deep breath. "JAMES YOU HAVE TO GET UP NOW! THE ENTIRE TEAM IS ALREADY AT THE PITCH AND SLYTHERIN WILL BE OUT IN TWO MINUTES." He took a deep breath. "IF YOU AREN'T THERE BY THEN, PETER I-CAN'T-BALANCE-ON-MY-OWN-FEET PETTIGREW WILL HAVE TO PLAY FOR YOU!" He finished.

Within a matter of twenty-six seconds, James had shot out of bed, grabbed his broom and shoes, and was halfway across the room, while still in his pajamas. He paused when he saw the Professors.

"Wait, this, isn't this..."

"And the grand prize goes to Jamie, for knowing his days of the week! Yes, today is Monday." Remus clapped mockingly at James.

"Remus, you, I'm going to..."

"But you would have to get to me first, in order to beat or bludgeon to death or whatever you were planning to do to me." Remus smiled. "Now get Sirius up."

"Fine, but you get Pete up."

"Yeah, yeah."

Remus edged through the piles to reach Peter's bed. "Peter, get up." He said.

Mumbling came from the foot of the bed.

"He says he's not getting up ever and he wants us all to be cast into the depths of the Atlantic." Remus translated knowingly, and smiled at the Professors.

"Pete, if you don't get up then I will tell Sirius which girl you told me you liked."

Movement came from the foot of the bed, and marauder number three emerged at the top of the bed after wriggling through the covers. He glared at Remus through messy blond hair.

"That's the last time I confide in you." He muttered.

"Hallelujah." Remus smiled, then laughed softly at Peter's face.

Everyone's attention turned toward Sirius' bed.

"Sirius, get up." James whispered.

A low growl came from the bed.

"What was that? Never mind. Sirius, get up." James knocked a bunch of shoes off the bed so the back of Sirius's head was visible.

"Black, get out of bed." McGonagall tried.

A chess piece came whizzing toward her head from the mound. She diverted it with a wave of her wand, and glared at the pile.

"Get up Si." said James.

Another growl came from the bed; it had risen both in volume and in malevolence.

James threw his hands in the air. "Well, that's my best. I don't want to get beaten up, so it's someone else's turn."

Each of the boys shook their heads violently. However, Professor Dumbledore stepped forward, and walked calmly through the junk to the near side of Sirius's bed. He leaned over the pile. "Mr. Black, please get out of bed or I will be forced to allow the house elves to come in this room, and you will be left alone with them." His voice had a tone of finality in it, and it also achieved the desired affect. Sirius lifted his head slightly, and glared furiously at the headmaster, before slowly getting up.

"Someone get me food." He commanded.

Peter pulled a box of cereal out from under his bed, and McGonagall stared at him in shock.

"How do you four live like this?"

"Live like what?" Sirius asked, wrestling the box from Peter, spilling half its contents on the floor in the process. He kicked it absently underneath one of the beds.

"Well, I guess it's time for you to get started cleaning, so I will be leaving Professor McGonagall with you," he nodded toward her, "and remember, this room must be clean, ere the sun riseth again!" Dumbledore smiled and left the room.

James leaned over to Sirius. "Why was he talking like that?" He whispered.

Sirius shrugged, and then stuffed another mouthful of cereal in his mouth.

McGonagall turned on the boys, eyes flashing, indicating her current temper. "Get started." She commanded.

They looked around.

"Where do we begin?" Remus asked her.

"Under the beds. Start pulling the junk out, then separate it into piles depending on who it belongs to." She pointed over to Sirius's bed.

Remus climbed doubtfully over to it, and stuck his hand underneath it. He pulled out a box.

Silence immediately fell on everyone in the room.

Um...Black? Why is there a box of dog biscuits under your bed?" McGonagall asked.

"Are you sure you want to..." James started.

"Sirius! These are half gone!" Remus cried.

Sirius glanced at him. "Don't you ever get the urge to expand your culinary tastes?" He asked.

More silence.

"Well," Peter started slowly. "I always use to eat cheddar, but then I tried mozzarella, and I really liked it..."

McGonagall sunk into a chair next to the door. This was going to be a long day. She couldn't wait till she could leave for her Transfiguration classes.

Okay, the next chapter will be more interesting (I hope). Please review though.

Reviews:

Remus edged into view. "Hello all, um....well, Sirius and James are in detention so Pete and I will be responding." Peter jumped in front of Remus, who shoved him to the side.

"To Fairbird we (Pete, me and the author) say thank you, and we are also pleasantly surprised to see there is a Bible category in fanfiction, as we didn't know that. To Phaedra 14 we say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! You are too kind to this crazy author."

_Remus, if you want to keep your job.....Pete, you're up._

"Right. Thank you J. Black! And to Miss Piratess, well, the author has to fess up to something...."

_The unopened book part was 'borrowed' from Boy Meets World, I was watching a re-run for some reason and thought it was funny...and I'm glad you thought so too. Thank you for reviewing!_

"Right, and Heaven's Angel Chick we also thank, and hope this was fast enough! Thank you wildrider! Honestly, this mad author doesn't deserve these awesome reviews..."

_You're out too Pete. Who's left to answer reviews? _

Sirius jumped up, having escaped detention. "I'm here! Thanks to ferrit. Admit to watching some Star Wars herself our author does. Pro at talking like backwards troll she is becoming...and thank you to Jeni..."

_My pen name comes from Out of the Silent Planet by C. S. Lewis, in case you didn't know. I am really fond of it myself. Thanks!_

"Yeah, yeah, well back to me." Sirius' eyes light up as he looks at the next review. "Thanks HealerAriel! Of course, I wouldn't say the others are hot, but you're definitely my favorite reviewer..."

_Sirius, you are fired. Get out and tell James to get in here as you leave._

"Yeah, yeah..."

James saunters to the front. "Hey everyone! Thankyou to Athena Diagon Cat, and hey, have you ever tried to clean a room shared by the marauders? It's an adventure."

_You're getting yourself in trouble James._

"Yeah, I just realized that. And to the wonderful Uineniel..."

James got no further as he was shoved to the side by Remus. "Thank you! We are really very honored to have you review to this story, our author can't believe her good fortune and prays you liked this chapter. Thank you so much!"

_Sorry again it took me so long to update. Thank you everyone! Also, most of my stranger titles come from MarkLowry.net's funnies section, so I give it the credit..._

_Thank you everyone!_


	3. A Pirate's Life For Me

I'mmm bbacckk!!! Ok, hello folks. Well....I SAW THE MOVIE!!! It was pretty good. I liked Remus a lot more than I thought I would. I hated Peter even more than I thought I would. But I don't want to ruin it for ya'll. I'll save that for my bio. : P

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_ I'm going to kill them. I just know I am. I bet I'll be able to plead insanity for it...Mungo's would probably be better than Azkaban...oh goodness, I'm trying to decide if a straight jacket is better than bars...Dumbledore is never going to hear the end of this.  
_  
McGonagall's musings were rudely interrupted by a rather raucous song.  
  
**_ "Ohh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer...."_**  
  
_And I wish I'd realized my father's wishes and become a lawyer instead of a teacher.  
_  
"Sirius, stop singing and get to work." said Remus, who was valiantly waving around a stuffed chicken in an attempt to shield himself from the murderous glares of his partners in crime, who were now his comrades in cleaning. Whereas the others shuffled belongings around with their feet in hopes McGonagall would eventually give up on them and leave, Remus seemed to be seriously working toward the completion of the task set before him. Which in the eyes of any self-respecting marauder was an act just short of treason.  
  
"Mooonnyy!!" James hissed across the room. "What do you think you are doing?"  
  
"Cleaning, oh brilliant one. What are _you_ doing?" Remus flashed his most innocent, yet daring smile.  
  
James glared at him before glancing around the room. McGonagall was arguing with Sirius over the proper definition of clutter. But it did not mean he was safe, the professor had a rather mysterious way of appearing the moment he had done something wrong, or something that wasn't completely 'by the books.' Finally he gave up, glaring at Remus with revenge promised in his frown. Remus smiled back.  
  
_Absolutely infuriating_. James thought, then harkened back to the call of his smelly socks (they were screaming "Wash ME!!!")  
  
"Oh, this is like 'deja vu,' isn't it guys? Isn't it?" Peter piped up from Sirius' corner of the room, where he was sitting cross-legged next to piles of junk. Mostly it was his junk, but the gnawed up dog bone could only have belonged to one person.  
  
"I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I really, really don't want to know..." McGonagall began chanting under her breath.  
  
"Then you are the wisest of us here." said James, in a quiet voice. He held out a trash bag for the bone. Peter dropped it in.  
  
"Well, if you all are done making fun of me now...." said Sirius, his eyes flashing with annoyance around the room.  
  
"I feel like pie." Peter said.  
  
"Oh really. You kinda look like one too. Blueberry or apple? You know, that would be a great Halloween costume for you..." Remus smiled at Peter's glare.  
  
"Oh shut up Moony. I mean I think it's almost lunchtime. When are we going to eat?" Peter turned to McGonagall as he finished.  
  
_ I'm sure we'll find a four-course meal hidden in the rubbish here some where..._  
  
"Soon enough. Finish cleaning out from under your beds and then I'll go to the kitchens." She climbed over James's pile of socks to reach Remus's bed.  
  
"Mr. Lupin, you are the only one who hasn't started." said McGonagall admonishingly, as she lifted the corner of his bed skirt.  
  
A running leap was made, and moments later McGonagall found herself facing a rather embarrassed looking teenager, who was standing between his teacher and the bed skirt she had just dropped.  
  
"Um...professor...I was thinking that I could, you know, maybe...do this tomorrow..." stammered Remus, avoiding eye contact with her. The other boys had gathered around the bed. Normally they would have been at his defense, but deserting him in his 'moment of need' seemed to them an appropriate punishment for breaching the Mischief-Makers Code of Conduct. (Code Number Four: Never willingly aid McGonagall, unless it is life or death. Incidentally, one Padfoot had been behind most of the rules.)  
  
"Mr. Lupin, cleaning this space requires that your area of the room be as clean as the others." She raised an eyebrow, a look she normally left for OWL and NEWT students. (In order to create a certain level of panic in the student population, after all, the students would happily waste the time if they didn't feel the pressure to...succeed.)  
  
_Or maybe you just enjoy watching them have minor panic attacks..._  
  
"But...professor..." Remus sighed when he saw the resolution in her eyes. Sirius smiled the evilest smile he had. (Rather ruined by the bubble he was attempting to blow at the same time, with some gum of rather..._dubious _origin.) Reaching over to the bed skirt, Sirius shoved a hand under the bed and pulled out...a box. James and Peter pulled similar boxes out from the other sides of the bed.  
  
"Humm...I wonder what these are?" James smiled cockily at Remus, and opened the top of his box. The other boys followed suit.  
  
And inside...were hundreds and hundreds of chocolate wrappers. The other boys' eyes went wide, and they immediately pulled out the other boxes from under the bed, uncovering many more boxes, all full of empty chocolate wrappers.  
  
"M..Moony...what is this??" James looked up at the other boy.  
  
Sticking his bottom lip out, Remus stood quietly by the bed for a moment. Suddenly, he threw himself down on his knees at McGonagall's feet and started bawling.  
  
"I...I'm so...so sorry....I think I need help...I think I'm _addicted_..." He sniffed and glanced up into McGonagall's shocked face.  
  
"Addicted to chocolate?" She muttered, wishing she was anywhere else in the castle.  
  
"It sure looks like...or was that another hypothetical ques—" Peter was interrupted by a punch in the head from James.  
  
"Oww! Man, what was that for?" Peter whined while rubbing the back of his head.  
  
"Mr. Lupin, kindly let go of my ankle and get off the floor!" said McGonagall.  
  
Sniffing again, Remus obeyed her.  
  
"Now, please tell me where you got a hold of all this chocolate?" She asked.  
  
Sirius snickered quietly. "Yeah, and tell us how you kept from getting fat."  
  
"And why you didn't share." Peter said, covering up the back of his head from James.  
  
"Um...um...I...Well, my uncle, you know, my mum's brother...he owns Bouncing Bubbles Chocolate Company in Diagon Alley...and he sends my some, er.... about once a week..."  
  
"That would explain all the secret packages you get in the middle of the night. We thought they were from your girlfriend." James said thoughtfully.  
  
"But Mr. Lupin, that's all fine. What I'm wondering is why you kept the wrappers. There are about enough here to paper the exterior of the castle with!" McGonagall looked doubtfully at the boxes.  
  
Remus bit his lip. "Well, I guess it's just kind of a hobby..."  
  
"Moony! Most people collect chocolate frog cards or knit for pastimes, not—"  
  
"Padfoot, who do you know that knits?" James looked curiously at his best friend.  
  
"Dumbledore. He makes his own socks." Sirius smiled back at James.  
  
McGonagall groaned. She was late for second year Transfiguration.  
  
"Boys, I have to go teach. But when I come back this room had better be almost finished, all right? Mr. Lupin, throw out the wrappers." She left, climbing over a pile of posters that Sirius had pulled of his wall; they included everything from popular muggle bands like 'the Beatles,' to wizarding bands to one of 'Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle.'  
  
James let out a whoop of joy on his newest find as McGonagall left the room. He pulled a tattered tri-cornered hat on his head and a dusty looking eye-patch on his eye. Jumping up on his bed (and avoiding crushing a pile of Quidditch-related action figures) he started to sing.  
  
**_"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me...."  
_**  
Sirius smiled evilly. He had been waiting all this time for McGonagall to leave. "So, Wormtail, exactly which girl is this crush of yours on?" He smiled slyly, and slowly approached the smaller boy.  
  
A self-satisfied smile could be found uncharacteristically on Remus's face. At least there was one ex-friend he didn't have to seek revenge against, as Sirius would make Peter's life miserable enough on his own. That just left the other two. He could lure the house elves here tomorrow, and that would definitely be revenge enough against Sirius, but James....  
  
Reaching over, he grabbed hold of James's ankle and pulled him off the bed. He landed on the floor with a 'thud' and a 'crunch,' though whether the crunch was a toy broom or James's back would be a subject of some controversy for years to come.  
  
"REMUS!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" He shouted, glaring up at his friends. A small book followed him off the bed just then, knocking him in the head.  
  
Getting up, James caught site of himself in a mirror. Horrified, he climbed over Peter's chess sets to reach the mirror. On his forehead was a bruise. It was the about a third the size of a sickle, but to James it might as well have been a hubcap.  
  
"MY FACE!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!"

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Yay! There it is folks. There are probably one or two chapters coming after this one.  
  
And on to reviews!  
  
Remus pokes his head into the room...an embarrassed smile spreading across his face.  
  
"Hey guys...well, on to reviews, you all are all so awesome!" He pulls out his notes.  
  
"First of all to Athena Diagon Cat. Thank you very much. Evidently he does eat them. I really don't want to think about that...."  
  
_I feel your pain, as I use to share my room with my sister too. She was the messy one. It nearly resulted in murder!_  
  
"And to Heaven's Angel Chick, thank you very much! Hope you liked this chapter." He gathers notes he dropped when sneezing.  
  
"Next to Phaedra-14. Thank you for reviewing! We are glad you liked it."  
  
_Actually, I got the idea from a Lord of the Rings writer, she used it once....anyway, I thought it was brilliant, so..._  
  
"To HealerAriel, thank you! I just hope you like me more, as Sirius is in detention for life, something about earthworms and Snape..."  
  
_Remus....you are getting in trouble..._  
  
"And yet you have to keep me, because the others are busy! And next to Miss Piratess, thank you for reviewing!" He absent-mindedly pulled out a small calendar, checking the date of the full moon.  
  
"I thought so...and next to Uineniel! Thank you! I hope you still like me after, you know, the little chocolate problem..."  
  
_I always wondered why he had a 'giant slab of chocolate' with him on the train in Prisoner of Azkaban....maybe that's what he carries in his briefcase? They'll clean up, eventually...maybe....I sure hope so...  
_  
"And to fairbird, thank you! Well, of course I'm funny, you'd have to have a sense of humor to survive James and Sirius..."  
  
_Don't we all feel that way? I just adore Remus, and not just fanfiction Remus. He seems so sweet...anyway, thank you!_  
  
"And to Celebrean, well, thanks! We are glad you liked it! Next to Scorchy-11, thank you so much! The crazy author is so pleased..."  
  
_That's real rich of you to call me crazy Remus._  
  
"I swore to speak the truth and nothing but....anyways, Thank you to iforgotmypassword!" He promptly dropped his notes. Again.  
  
_Remus, do you need help?_  
  
"No, no....and to Kinlea, thank you!!"  
  
_I just love long reviews...um, on the note about Dumbledore, actually, I think he was....isn't he the reason Remus was able to go to Hogwarts with his...condtion?_  
  
"Hey! Don't tell...."  
  
_It's alright Remus, they already know, and they love you anyway!_  
  
"I bet Peter told...I'll have to get him...and next to Violet-Angel 07, thank you so much!!!!"  
  
"And to Meredith, Queen of Insanity..."  
  
_Cool name. I guess I can be the Leader of Lunacy..._  
  
"Thank you so much for reviewing!!"  
  
"And then to snickerdoodle131315....Thank you!! We aren't sure, but in the end it doesn't much matter I guess...but we often hear crunching in the middle of the night from under the mound of things on Sirius's bed, so...."  
  
"And last to Scorchy-11 again, don't worry, it's not too much to ask. We hope you liked this one as well..."  
  
_Thanks everyone!!_


	4. Laziness is a Virtue

Aloha everyone! Deepest apologies for disappearing like I did. Our computer just went through a complete revamp, and all I have is WordPad now because for some reason we didn't get MicrosoftWord. It's depressing. If the spelling is bad thats why. No spell check. Hey, does anyone know of any art sights were you can post art (like DeviantArt or Elfwood)? For some reason Deviant doesn't work for me and Elfwood is confusing...Well anyway on with the next chapter....

* * *

_ Hard Work Will Pay Off Later, Laziness Pays Off Now!_   
  
It was dark again. He struggled to lift his hand, and gave a muffled groan as he sat up.  
  
"Who.....Who turned out the light...." He muttered, waving his hand haphazardly around.  
  
Sirius, James and Peter all looked at him blankly, then to each other.  
  
"Dude, you've got your eyes closed." Sirius supplied.  
  
"Oh." Hazel eyes now squinted up at the other boys.   
  
"Why am I lying on the floor?"   
  
"Well...." Remus began. "You fell down."   
  
"I fell down?" James looked up doubtfully.  
  
"Off the bed." answered Peter, who momentarily succumbed to the murderous glares of the other upright boys.  
  
Sirius pulled James forcefully to his feet, and shoved a rag in his hand.   
  
"Here. Clean. No questions. We've been covering for you, and if we're not done when McGonagall comes back she'll go ballistic."   
  
"Why was I on the floor?" James angrily emphasised each word. Sirius peeked inconspiciously over James's shoulder. Remus was pulling the bed hangings he'd taken off Peter's bed over the mirror in the corner.  
  
"You fainted Prongsie--" James cut Sirius off.   
  
"Fainted why?" He asked.  
  
"I don't know, you're the one who fainted..." Sirius replied.  
  
"Fainted when?" James pressed on.  
  
"Nearly two hours ago. McGonagall came by and we told her what happened so she said to leave you alone."   
  
"When are we eating lunch?" James asked, glancing down at his rumbling stomach while dusting off a shelf Sirius had kept his collections of quills and books and such on. It was very dusty.   
  
"Oh yeah....well, _actually_...it's rather funny, really..."   
  
James glared. "_What_ is so funny?"   
  
"You see, lunch was an hour ago, and we were going to save some for you, but then this great huge ravenous dog just bounded in here, and it stole your chicken sandwich. But you know, you really can't blame the poor brute, i mean, he's just a cute little puppy after--"   
  
James tackled Sirius, who immediately hurled himself towards the door, tripping over furniture and bed sheets in his haste. Just as he had almost reached the door, it swung open.   
  
Sirius let out a shriek.  
  
From the depths of the stairwell, stepped the most terrifying creature known to Sirius Black.  
  
"Does Masters need some new sheets?" Teeky the house-elf stared up at them, an amiable smile on his face.   
  
Remus sniggered evilly from the back of the room.   
  
"Back! Back you beast! Go back into the kitchens which spawned you!" Sirius shouted from his new residence, which was under Peter's bed.   
  
"Teeky is wondering why Mister is speaking that way. Does Teeky need to get Madame Pomfrey?"   
  
James bit his lip to stop the threatening laughter. "No thanks. He might need help, but not the physical kind....it's definitely a mental thing..."   
  
Meanwhile, Sirius was chanting quietly from under the bed, while rubbing a purple rabbit's foot furiously. Peter leaned down to listen to him.  
  
"Don't let the game rain out. Don't let the game rain out. Don't let me get struck by lightning. Don't..." Peter yawned. For Sirius, it really wasn't that interesting. He shoved a pile of posters on the floor, including a "Save the Snidget" banner, pulled a bag of crisps out of a drawer, checked the expiration date out of curiousity (It was only two years out of date), and curled up on top of his bed, watching the others.   
  
"Actually Teeky, I think I have a pile of dirty socks right here..." James ambled over to his bed, Teeky following him. As he drew closer to Peter's bed, Sirius began his slow retreat toward the door. As the house elf picked up the sack of socks, Sirius made his great escape.  
  
A few minutes later, Remus and Peter perched themselves on the windowsill by James's bed, watching the grounds by the lake.   
  
Sirius came running out of the doors to the great hall. The students who were enjoying the outdoors between classes looked up in mild intrest as Sirius flew past them, screaming about house elves and jello, and watched as he threw himself into the lake.  
  
"Hum. Well, that was interesting. Crisp?" Peter smiled over at Remus, who looked doubtfully at the bag. He peeked out the window again, watching as James struggled to drag Sirius out of the lake.  
  
"It's a good thing it's almost OWL time. These things happen so often that no one cares anymore..."  
  
"You mean Sirius _might_ not skin you alive when he recovers."   
  
Remus stared at Peter.  
  
"Er...I think Sirius's problems are too deep for him to just 'recover,' Pete."  
  
"You're probably right."   
  
James had pulled Sirius out of the lake, with a little help from the giant squid, and was now marching back towards the castle.  
  
"Teeky, I think you'd better go now. Thank you for helping me." Remus smiled at the house elf, who beamed back.   
  
"Teeky is happy to help, if..." He looked at Remus's pocket hopefully.  
  
"Oh, right." Remus pulled a bar of chocolate out of his pocket and passed it to the elf, who skipped happily and ran out the door.  
  
"You bribe house elves on a regular basis?"   
  
Remus ignored him, and turned expectedly as the door opened again. But it was not James and Sirius who stood in the doorway.  
  
It was Professor McGonagall.  
  
_You. Are. Dead. Boys._   
  
"What" she whispered, eyes flashing. "are you four doing?"

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Review Please!   
Title From MarkLowry  
  
I know I've been replying to reviews differently, but if I tried it now I would go insane, so I'm just going to answer them one by one and hopefully go back to using the marauders next time.  
  
**Athena Diagon Cat:** Can't you see him, a little toddler-Remus beggining his collection of wrappers....".....One....Too....Twee.....Foo....Fife...." (Yes, he would have a lisp, the cute little kids always do.) And I'm not sure McGonagall was ever sane.....Well, thanks for reviewing!   
  
**violet-angel07:** Oh, I know....I am totally addicted to Junior Mints and M&M's.....ahem.... anyway.....It really does seem like Sirius.....maybe there will be a few walls papered....I can easily see Dumbledore's office covered in chocolate wrappers....Thanks for reviewing!  
  
**Phaedra 14:** Thankyou!! Well, hopefully I can come up with some similar stories for the Mischevious Quartet!  
  
**Uineniel:** Thanks for reviewing, and especially for such a long one! Um, they probably were from GoF.....And Sirius has his ways, he probably 'confiscated' them from some innocent muggle-born first year. I think if most people's lives were examined it would be found that they had stolen sweets from the fridge at some point....Yes, poor Dumbledore does get tired of knitting (I've always wondered what the Headmaster does all day, I mean when there's no Dark Lord to be gotten rid of....he'd have to have some hobbies...)  
  
**squirrel-bladder4:** Thanks very much!  
  
**Rudolf-Lupin:** Thanks! Sorry I wasn't faster.  
  
**Moviesavvy:** Thanks! Remus is my favorite too...  
  
**Chess:** Thank you very much!   
  
**Mooncheese:** Thank you for reviewing! I can see one of the marauders sleepwalking (and McGonagall not believing him when he turns up in the teachers lounge and giving him detention....and for good reason...) I hope it made your day!   
  
**Scorchy-11:** Thank you very much!!  
  
**Celebrean:** Chocolate is good. I liked the third one better too, "You tell the spiders Ron!"  
  
**Mooncheese:** Well, you did say take your time......I'm very sorry for taking so long. Thanks again!   
  
**Desthemarauderette:** Thank you very much!   
  
**Refridgerator Pea:** Yes it was! Mysterious voices......well, I guess Sirius could be a Monkey tongue (he hears Chimpanzees in the walls).... Thanks!   
  
**Neko Mew Midorikawa:** Thanks!   
  
**Miss Piratess:** Some people write Remus as being sweet, quiet, and bookish all the time, but I prefer to think that he can be just as 'evil' as Sirius when he wants, only with a little more rhyme and reason to his evil doings. Thanks!   
  
**BluePhoenixFire:** Thanks! Sorry I wasn't faster.  
  
**Lady Taliesin:** Thanks!! Well, I guess we already found out about the door.....Now I just want to know who the HBP is.....  
  
**Kinlea:** Thank you!! I've tried to put more Sirius in....  
  
**Marker the Baka:** Is that a threat on my health?!? LOL, just kidding. Sorry I wasn't faster, and thanks for reviewing!   
  
**Accio Flaming Stake:** First off, I TOTALLY love your name. That's hilarious. Thanks so much for reviewing! Thank you very much!   
  
**Refridgerator Pea:** Thanks again!   
  
**Katy:** Oh, thank you so much!   
  
**fairbird:** I know! Poor Remus....I'll tell him! Well, I think McGonagall isn't entirely sane. Thank you!   
  
**YoshimiWolfspaw:** Thank you! 


	5. Equal and Opposite

Hey guys! (Cringes at the rotten tomato splatters). Not that I think ya'll are un-cool enough to through vegetables or anything! (Glances around nervously and holds up makeshift shield…. hopefully stealing trashcan lids isn't a major offense or anything.)

Ok, so I completed the National Novel Writing Challenge, and half of my junior year, and…alright, not a lot more.

So ok, I just got a bit bored of writing fanfiction. I spent a lot of time reading though!

Well, anyway, here's the 5th chapter. Hopefully it doesn't disappoint too much!

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__For Every Action, There Is An Equal and Opposite Criticism._

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Peter, if alone and faced by a rampaging dragon, would have sought out cover, hopefully in the form of a titanium-enforced, thirty-foot thick brick wall. If challenged by a sphinx, he would most definitely have taken the long way around instead. And of course, no one could have convinced him to confront Snape solo. 

But in all of these things, if the other marauders were present, he would have stood by his friends' sides, if slightly behind them.

It took a furious Transfiguration professor to make him doubt his vows to remain true to the other marauders.

He and Remus sat frozen on the window seat, eyes huge as the stared in terror at their head of house. The expression was distinctly deer-like, though a deer only took the expression on when it was about to become a hood ornament.

"What…" McGonagall seemed to be to furious to form words. Peter got the impression that her eyes were glowing, a faint and ominous light in the shadow of death he had entered. Time seemed to have stopped, or slowed considerably, though the noisy students on the Quidditch pitch obviously were not recognizing the sacredness of the moment.

He was going to die.

Remus seemed to wake from a coma. Rubbing his eyes, he stuttered but seemed unable to form any sound beyond "H…h…h…"

There was a strange banging noise from somewhere below. It had to be a terrible beast that McGonagall was calling up from the depths to destroy them. Peter's bottom lip quivered, and he shrunk back to the window.

The clattering, heavy noise continued, and Peter realized detachedly that the creature was climbing the stairs. He wished he could speak, so he could ask Remus what sort of monster was anatomically able to climb stairs.

"Klunk……Klunk……BANG, Clatter…..Klunk………." The noise stopped on the landing outside the door. Peter could hear the heavy breathing coming from beyond. The doorknob creaked as it was twisted by the monstrous claws of the creature. McGonagall turned around, in the same slow motion that was affecting everything in Peter's brain.

"SWING…." The door opened slightly, but stopped. It was caught on the large pile of mate-less shoes excavated from Sirius's bed.

Evidently, the call of McGonagall was not something the creature would ignore. It pushed against the door, groaning with the effort and squishing several perfectly lovely shoes.

Peter tried to stay conscious. He really did. After all, who was going to protect Remus? Unfortunately, he simply couldn't take the pressure. With one final squeak, he fell into peaceful oblivion, his last thought, 'Oh my, but doesn't that monster look an awful lot like James and Sirius…'

The monster, hereafter referred to as the last two of the marauders, turned their respective stares to the scene before them. Or at any rate James did. Sirius was still a bit 'under the weather…' or at least that was what James had told everyone who saw him drag Sirius out of the lake and back to the common room. Not that there was a single person now at school who didn't know about Sirius's phobia.

Sirius, to his advantage, was no longer screaming, though a stray word concerning house elves was intelligible every few minutes. He'd also ceased drooling, but the puddles of lake-water forming on the carpeting made up for that.

"So, finally decided to join the party, did you?" James jumped, he'd never heard so much sarcasm before. Especially not from McGonagall. He was mildly impressed.

A squeal from next to him made him turn around. Sirius was sitting on the floor, a small lake around him. Evidently the carpet was charmed to be water-proof. James filed that away for future testing.

Sirius was pointing to the window, or actually directly in front of it. He had the other hand covering his mouth and looked rather ill.

"She…" He whimpered, arm wavering. "She…she killed….she killed…… _Pete_!"

James turned back to glance at the floor. Peter was lying facedown, one arm stretched out in front of himself as if to ward off some attacker.

"So…what happened, exactly?" James glanced around the room, deciding that if someone was going to act the adult it would have to be him. McGonagall was already zeroing in on Sirius.

Remus struggled against meeting his eyes. Finally James kneeled down and caught his ears, pulling the poor werewolf's head up.

He didn't have the chance to even ask a question before Remus started to talk.

"It was…it was all the chocolate's fault! It wasn't me…we didn't do it….We didn't shave Snape's cat or dye his hair…_mphfll_—" Remus was cut short in his frantic cries by a pair of James' socks shoving themselves into his mouth.

James jumped in front of the other boy, a bright smile on his face. "So…Professor…what do we owe this pl…"

James had always prided himself on his bravery. Though not usually the mischief mastermind, he was usually the one to carry their plans out to fruition. He'd snuck into any and every room to be found in the castle, often exploring abandoned or yet-to-be-discovered rooms at the dead of night.

The look on the Professor's face, one of zero-tolerance and your-time-on-this-planet-has-ended fury, stopped short his usually untameable lips. He glanced down, hoping that Remus had spat the sock back out before he suffocated. Preferably he would have passed out from lack of air first.

Songbirds flew merrily around his head. He watched them, humming tunelessly as they went about their merry nonsense.

He coughed and dropped the rose he'd been sniffing. Evidently, a sweet flower scent was not to be a part of his delusion.

Which of course he knew that it was. After all, how many birds were the exact color and texture of swiss cheese? Certainly no birds he knew of.

He rubbed his nose. Hmm….his hand seemed suspiciously damp. If he'd fallen asleep in the bathtub again…Well, lets just say that Prongs had been less than merciful. As punishment for nearly drowning, his skin had been green for nearly three weeks. He had yet to forgive the prong-headed idiot. Though, of course, it had been the singular time so far in his stay at Hogwarts that McGonagall the Vengeful had been on his side.

Which reminded him of another Remus Realization. When it came to McGonagall, something Remus had realized and informed him of, what others called punishment or discipline he called vengeance.

And so responded with further retribution, usually in the form of stink bombs and fireworks that followed the Professor and wrote his name, over and over and over and…

It was a vicious cycle.

It occurred to him then that the room he was in was rather dark. And cramped, as he tried futilely to move his elbow. It was also damp. Not terribly uncomfortable, all together, but it wasn't where he last remembered being and so he decided that the best course of action would probably be to open his eyes.

Really, there were relatively few things that scared Sirius. House elves, suspicious cups of tea, and tiny insects that climbed into his hair and camped out were probably at the top of his list.

And one of those terrors was lying wide-eyed next to him.

Sirius decided that he would have a lifetime to prove his manhood, but only if he escaped soon. So he screamed.

And Teeky the house-elf screamed back.

James was struggling to come to his senses, gathering his thoughts like snitches in a spinning vortex of doom, which was harder even than it sounded and explained why the only thought in his mind right then was 'Hey…those socks in Remus' mouth smelled clean…and now he's getting his spit on them!'

That is, his mind was blank until the screeching began.

Like a nightmarish opera, the voices melded to shatter all sound barriers. Students currently entombed in dungeon Potion lessons winced in pain. Small, delicate, and expensive trinkets in Dumbledore's office shattered. A particularly sound-sensitive and unfortunate sparrow dropped dead from the sky over Gryffindor's tower (its last thought was '……………….' which was documented by Ministry wizards and later used as testimony for the evilness of Sirius Black.)

However, Sirius' screechy solo had nothing on the cries of Teeky the house-elf. And together, they were a force for a jet engine to reckon with.

Remus moved, for the first time since McGonagall had entered the room. With inhuman speed, he pressed the palms of his hands flat against his ears.

Werewolf ears were particularly sensitive to sound waves….and he cursed this now with every fiber of his being. Dropping to his knees, he crawled across the floor and over to Sirius' bed.

Remus, against all logic, had always kept a list of the items that frightened him the most. So far, it had avoided detection by the other marauders, though the discovery of his chocolate stash was warning enough. He'd have to burn the list.

While it existed, however, the list contained a few items, exactly what would be expected of a Gryffindor. Remus never liked to disappoint.

Top on the list was heights. They made him ill. He avoided open windows and Quidditch matches.

Second was a fear he was about to have to conquer. It was a location contained in the Sirius Quadrant of the marauder's dorm. In a nutshell, it was under Sirius' bed.

Remus was quite certain that the other marauders had the same fear, which was why only a few items had so far been excavated from under the bed. And these few survivors had rather odd teeth marks in them.

He pulled a deep breath in, and plunged his hands into the bowels of Sirius' bed. Who knew if it would ever come out again?

Minerva McGonagall was not someone to be trifled with. She had helped stop the fairy-turf wars in '58, worked on the TMS (Transfiguration Mop-up Squad) after Grindewald, and had single-handedly kept the student body of Hogwarts under her control during her classes, there was no one who kept a more obedient class than her. She struck fear into the hearts of many students.

Peter Pettigrew was one of those students.

_Dumbledore, you are _so _going to have to raise my salary for this. _

She was brave, powerful, and awe inspiring. And she was currently kneeling down next to an unconscious student, from her own house no less, who'd fainted in terror. _Pitiful. _

Of course, she had no doubt it had something to do with those slob friends of his. And mostly Black. It was always Black.

That was the first thing they told new teachers these days. It's always Black. And if it wasn't, then he must've been sleeping in class.

Across the room, Remus was the only one acting like a Gryffindor. James was curled in a ball over his broomstick, as if he was afraid the noise would shatter it.

Actually, she'd seen it happen.

Pushing aside a pyramid made of soda and butterbeer bottles, she dropped to her knees next to Pettigrew's head.

"Come on, wake up now. Heaven knows that noise has to be affecting you some how…"

It was probably acting as some sort of crazed lullaby. She had no doubt that this was not the first time these four boys had been subjected to—or in Black's case produced—such noise.

Peter's eyes blinked slowly. Then they shut very firmly. Pettigrew got out a single whisper of "monster" before he rolled over on his side and started to snore.

McGonagall the Vengeful allowed herself a single eye roll before pushing back up to her feet, all business. They could always revive Pettigrew later. For now, there was fresh and conscious blood to spill.

She suddenly wished she had a lawyer degree…then she might actually be able to get out of Azkaban if she killed those four.

Unfortunately, the only person she knew with a law degree was Albus, and he had this weird student-protection thing going on. And anyway, the degree was from 1894.

Sighing, she decided to go for a more lawful approach. Everything that moved in the room got stunned with a wave of her wand. Not that that helped much.

Sirius decided that screaming was fun. It was a wonderful way to relieve stress—even better than painting large and rather brightly colored daisies on the bricks and walls of the castle. He had a fresco of a holiday scene (complete with Santa and the littlest elf) on the fourth floor that still had yet to be removed. He'd completed it in second year.

Still, screaming in terror got a bit dull after a while. Not that Sirius was about to stop or anything.

The hand suddenly grabbing hold of his ankle only increased his volume. It was like turning a dial. The volume increased exponentially.

Remus struggled to keep hold of the ankle. Now was his time to shine as a Gryffindor. That, and he felt his revenge for the Chocolate Incident was as good as complete.

However, when he pulled dramatically on Sirius' ankle for the heroic moment, the larger boy refused to spring forth from the depths under the bed. Remus could have sworn he heard a giggle amid all those screams.

"Si come on, McGonagall is getting upset…." He tugged harder.

Upset. That was a word that had entered her vocabulary circa 1970. The year that had changed everything. The event that had spawned a chain of happenings that she would gladly erase. The Hairspray Incident. The Green-Slime Thing. The list goes on.

She had been upset every day since that fateful day. It was one thing or another. Today, it was screaming and cleaning.

She intended on retiring within the next twenty years. In a manor. On the seashore. She deserved it.

Pulling Lupin out of the way, she quickly levitated the bed.

She wished a few moments later that she hadn't.

This would come to be known as the Raucous Row. Between man and house-elf.

She hated teaching.

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Reviews: Assuming that ya'll are still alive after, oh, has it been 5 months? I hope everyone had a good holiday. 

**Tea': **The titles are from MarkLowry, but thanks!

**Athena Diagon Cat: **I know, it wasn't my best effort. Here's to hoping this chapter is better. Thanks!

**Faux: **Haha, I've often wondered if I woke my family up laughing at fanfiction. Thanks for the review!

**Violet-Angel07: **Haha…that's a good idea. Thanks!

**Mooncheese: **Hum, I think that would be something like 'Domanymphphobia.' Haha…or at least that's as close as I can get it. Roughly, it means 'House Sprite Fear.' But I just realized that phobia is probably Greek. Oh well. Thanks for reviewing!

**Miss Piratess: **That's ok! The story isn't all that intelligent anyway. Btw, I loved 'I'd kill you if you weren't already dead. I finished it but I think I forgot to review. Awesome story!

**Don't kill fred dragon…. : **Thanks for reviewing! It's ok, everyone on the planet is special. (Which in turn kinda suggests that nobody is, but really, I think everyone is unique and important.) Anyway, I love Sirius too! Thanks!

**HealerAriel: **Haha, well…in the little place I call 'Real Life' (shudder), Sirius or James would have to be drunk to sing that….But like, I forgot about that world a long time ago. Thanks for the reviews!

**Scorchy-11: **Thanks! I don't even know where the jello came from, but you never know!

**Accio Flaming Stake: **Haha, sometimes I like creating names and sometimes I don't. I guess it depends. I know the chapter wasn't all that great…but hopefully this'll be better!

**sHeEnA V: **Thanks! House elves are awesome.

**Lady Taliesin: **Thanks! Sorry it wasn't sooner!

**YoshimiWolfspaw: **Thanks! Sometimes I don't log in either, but then I get all upset cause the stories aren't on my review history. But anyway, thanks!

**Fairbird: **I like having the characters read them too, it just takes too much thought and I'm too tired for that right now. Maybe next time…. Thank you for reviewing!

**whom-the-angels-name-lenore9: **Thanks! Sirius seems universally tortured in fanfiction, whether dementors, houselves, or vengeful girls are the cause. Poor guy.

**Moony-88: **Thanks! Wow, you all are so kind with your comments. I want to print them out so I have something to smile about when school starts again.

**Chess: **Thank you!

**Jamie Leigh: **Again, thanks so much!

**Xo DaNiElLe 03 0X: **Thanks! It's fine, I don't mind being called 'interesting.' It's much better than 'special.' I'm glad you liked it!

**Ann: **Thank you!

**CoPaCaBaNa-mAgIc: **Haha, you're pen name looks so cool. Thank you so much!

**thefutureMrs. Kaiba: **Thank you!

**Jeran: **Thanks! Really, I've just seperated completely the Elder-Peter from the Marauder-Peter. I like Marauder-Peter just fine, he seems like he'd be rather funny. And Remus did seem to have more than his fair share of chocolate. Hahaha…

**Versipellis: **Thanks! I always get upset when I lose track of stories I was reading. But it's kind of fun to run back across them when they've been updated, I guess…

**J-R-S CRAZY: **YES!! I'M STILL ALIVE!! DON'T CALL THE PARAMEDICS YET!! Haha…Well, I'm really sorry I didn't update sooner. Thanks so much for reviewing!

**Me: **Thank you! It's so cool to be thought of as funny…cause really I'm like the least funny person in my house. Thanks again!

**Neva-13: **Thank you so much! Wow, you really made me feel appreciated. I changed your life? I hope it's in a good way! Thanks!


	6. The Trouble with Life

Wow, ya'll are wonderful. Oh, and check the note after the story and before review responses, please.

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The Trouble With Life Is There's No Background Music.

* * *

The stars shone beautifully, their luminescent points dancing with the cucumbers around Sirius Black's dark head. 

"_You stupid_………_going to get us_………._darn house-elf_……._inspectors!_" James Potter's voice blended with the chorus of squid. Sirius reflected on his day, from the tranquil waking to the relaxing afternoon, and decided his conscious was better spent tangoing with the cucumbers. He resolved to stay where he was.

Remus Lupin was also lying on the floor. He was uncertain as to whether his back was broken, or if it just hurt _A Whole, Whole Bunch. _

It was decided for him when a hand with a bone-crushing grip wrenched him off the ground, quite ungracefully, and left him teetering on his feet, suddenly able to see the stars circling Sirius's head. That had never happened before.

"The cheese is gone. I just don't know what to make of this."

Remus turned, back creaking in a way that brought most horror movies to shame. Peter was staring dolefully into an unmarked paper bag.

"What are you doing with that?"

"I was going to talk to my cheese friend, Monty, but he's gone. He's left me," Peter's bottom lip began to quiver. "I like to tell him my woes. But he's gone now…"

Tell-tale bawling ensuing behind him, Remus creaked his way over to where Sirius was muttering incoherently about vegetables, and James with little more lunacy about bypassing Ministry laws. Remus wasn't sure he wanted to be a part of such rebellion.

"Is Sirius going to be all right?" He quipped gently. Everyone knew Sirius was never all right. It was a common-sense thing.

James sniffed. Or he sniggered. It all sounded the same, as always. "He's better off like this; at least the Minervotaur can't kill him."

Remus sniffed—he was far too proper to snigger—at the statement. "You just love those puerile nicknames, don't you?"

James stared at him as if he'd swallowed one of Snivellus's brews. "You never make any sense."

Rather daunted by such an affront to his intelligence, Remus let his eyes wander around the room.

"Where is McGonagall?" He pulled his arms subtly over his head. And moaned, also with great subtleness. To tempt the temper of James Potter was tempting, but….foolish.

James nodded in appreciation to the subtle fear radiating off his companion. It was fitting, for such a quidditch master as himself.

"Well, after she pulled you off the floor she went somewhere. I'm sure I don't know."

Remus sighed. "That seems to be the predominant response."

James shrugged, poking Sirius listlessly. "I think he might be coming around."

Unable to see any change that may have caused such a comment, Remus sank into his position for depression. Kneel against a banister, and knock one's head against the mahogany. Repeat.

* * *

"Monty shall return. And he shall be Monty the White, garbed in the swathing of the true mozzarella he is, and no longer shall he be encumbered in the mortal trappings of cheddar…"

Peter wandered up to the group, head bowed in grief. He carried his cheese bag before him.

James glanced up as Peter hobbled past, chanting mournful nothings. "You know, I think Pete is a cheese racist."

Remus pondered this for a moment. "I don't think cheeses have races," he answered finally.

James' brow knitted. "Well, what about Bleu cheese?"

Sirius blinked. No one noticed.

Remus leaned against the bed frame, rubbing the pink patch on his forehead. "That's just a name. It isn't meant to imply color…"

Sirius rubbed his nose. He was sure there was a doxy stuck inside of it.

"Oh really? I thought it was French or something…" James poked at Sirius, unmindful of the fact that his conscious had already been forcefully drug from its happy little fiesta.

Remus shook his head, rattling a box he'd just found. It clunked.

Sirius sneezed all over James.

McGonagall arrived in time to wrench a ballistic James Potter off his dearest friend, who had happily ridded himself of the doxy and was admiring the horned toad singing karaoke.

* * *

A darkness descended upon the room, casting the inhabitants in shadow. A mournful song of cheese-related grief emanated from one side of the room. It seemed twilight had entered the hearts of all.

"Dang…. it looks like rain." James leaned out of the window, scowling at the gale. His quidditch nature protested greatly to the moisture which threatened his perfected training schedule.

"I assure you, Mr. Potter, that you shall have little time for practice today," Minerva towered overhead, glowering at them all.

James huffed. This coalesced even less, if possible, with his view of a perfect world. Surely it was written _somewhere_ that James Potter was not made for drudgework….

Obviously, Minerva was uniformed of the first principles of man, because she continued to glare brazenly at his unguarded form.

"So Professor, what are we supposed to…" Remus quieted even more at her glare, slinking back to cling to his bedpost. He seemed content.

"As you four—" she obviously used the term 'four' in the loosest context, as it was clear to Remus that he was the only one listening "—have managed to waste the morning, wreaking havoc through the castle, mind you; I have brought in reinforcement."

McGonagall's reinforcement came in the form of a house-elf. Now, James had never been one to be daunted by a house-elf—the very idea was laughable!

But he'd never seen a house-elf like this one.

A fire burnt in its eyes, from the ashes of its soul. It was clad in leather—Leather!—and seemed wholly unapologetic of the fact. From the tip of its hooked nose to its spiky boots, it screamed intimidation. The tattoos didn't help.

James glanced down at the Sirius.

The tattoos didn't help at all.

* * *

McGonagall was the head of Gryffindor, but she didn't really want to be. She wanted to open a pet store and compete in chess tournaments.

But somewhere, back when career choices had mattered, she had chosen to be a teacher. To think of all the children she could help!

She decided to strategically forget what the road to Hades was paved with. She didn't need to wonder what it was like.

She was there.

And it was an ugly sight indeed.

The unattractiveness of the room was summed up in the revolted look gracing the thin face of James Potter, who was stuffing piles of laundry into respective bags.

"Mr. Potter, I hardly think a Gryffindor need be afraid of a few socks," she tried to sound casual in her comment.

James turned to her. "These socks—" he huffed "—are _his _socks," James jerked his head toward _him_, the estranged best friend.

McGonagall glanced around, eyes roaming over towering pizza boxes—she wasn't sure how those had gotten here, and did not wish to find out—and further past empty glass containers and an assortment of athletic equipment.

"Mr. Black, if you'd be so kind as to work now," She called warningly. Grey eyes shot over to her before hurrying back to work.

She let her eyes roam farther. Peter was sitting on the floor, muttering something under his breath. Huffing, she stormed over to him in all her tartan glory, leaving James free to breathe at last.

"So Remus, what's going on?"

Remus knew what he meant. He meant 'Use that brain of yours for something useful now and get me out of this.' Remus had no intention of doing such a thing.

Ignoring James's implication, he leaned over. "Have you asked him his name?" He whispered, nodding to the burly house-elf who was bullying Peter out of his self-imposed mourning.

"Why would I ask him? That's like physical suicide," James replied, leaning back to poke at a large fungus growth.

Remus rubbed at a suspicious spot on the floor. It had traces of something like gum solidified on it.

James Potter prided himself on never committing physical suicide. The reason for the adjective was thus: he had committed intellectual suicide a long time ago, and saw a need to distinguish between the two. He didn't wish to fool anyone into thinking his brain was functioning.

Remus wasn't sure if it (the lack of mental activity) had started with the discovery of air and light, or quidditch, or maybe when he had met Sirius.

He filed it away for later perusal.

"You four have nay an hour before the inspectors get here. I swear if we have to shut down the dorms because of any sort of health threat—" She paused, breathing deeply, "—I will chop you into squid bait and dump your remains in the Owlery."

Clearly she had 'seen the light' concerning her threats. The 'I'm going to owl your parents' one had never worked, probably not since the dawn of the boarding school concept. By the time you were home, your parents had forgotten. Thank Merlin.

The gummy patch on the floor was sticking nobly to the task it had been made for. It was a blemish and a sin in the eyes of Remus Lupin; who was armed with a scalpel from his Potion's kit and had every intention of removing it.

* * *

A warning buzz came from somewhere in the space above Remus's head. Glancing up, he was blessed with the sight of the ceiling for several seconds before someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Now it is your turn to clean out from under your bed." The hollow words hung apologetically in the suddenly frigid air. Remus clutched at his heart.

He turned, struggling not to scream aloud. "He…Hello…" He coughed. "Can I help you, Mr…."

The house-elf glared at him. Remus couldn't fathom it, but somehow in all its three-foot girth it managed to _tower_.

"My name is Butch."

Remus squeaked. It seemed an appropriate response.

* * *

"Why don't we have emergency exit signs posted?" Remus hadsearched overall the walls in the room, and had yet to find one. He was immensely curious as to whether it was a breach of some code.

"I think the only exit right now is suicide," James pointed grimly to Butch the house-elf. "You first."

They were sorting laundry. A daunting task at the best of times, and made all the worse by the howling and gnashing of teeth occurring behind them.

Remus had found the mate to one sock in the twenty minutes he'd been working. James had accomplished less.

"I just can't believe we are trapped in our own dorm, doing our own laundry while a demon elf-thing tortures our friends." James shook his head, leaning in seriously. As seriously as possible with a sock on his head and dark smudges on his glasses. "Are we marauders or not?"

Remus chanced a glance behind himself. Sirius was making a great deal of fuss from under his bed, which was where he'd fled to when he'd been lucid enough to realize he was sharing oxygen with an unrestrained house-elf. A particularly menacing one, but still.

He and James were facing the wall, where McGonagall deemed they could do less damage and where they could be unproductive in relative peace.

"We may have to play along for now," he muttered back.

James looked confused. "You mean like a feint?"

Remus nodded quickly. It was a known fact that James would never actually admit defeat, which was why the one time Slytherin had won the quidditch cup in the duration of the marauder's stay it had somehow ended up buried in six feet of clay with the names scratched off of it.

Another sock met its match.

The timer went off, announcing that they were, well, out of time.

Remus called upon his wits and glanced about the room again. It was a meager vision. Though in all the chaos it seemed most of the particularly distasteful and unique properties had been removed, including the strange bottles off fluid marked hazardous from the trapdoor under Sirius's bed.

Remus thought they might have salvaged their evening.

"That's not a healthy shade, is it? For a human face I mean," James was pointing at McGonagall, who was turning a rather celestial shade of blue. It blended poorly with her robes.

Remus concurred, and they backed toward the door, which lurked enticingly somewhere beyond them.

* * *

Minerva began to compose her resignation. It was obvious that, disregarding her lack of happiness, she was a failure in her current state of employment.

She decided that today had displayed as much Gryffindor bravery as a flubberworm displayed intelligence.

"Stop what you are doing," She commanded the room at general. Remus leaned to whisper something to James, Sirius kicked madly from under his bed, and Peter kept moaning.

Shame heaped itself upon her.

"I want everyone of you standing quietly or I'll expel you all!" She shouted.

* * *

"I wonder why she didn't use Sonorus?" Remus muttered. James shrugged.

McGonagall had dismissed the house-elf with a thankful sentiment that was not shared by the students in question.

Sirius had finally emerged, looking as though all the dust particles in the room had formed an allianceand attached themselves to him.

Peter was standing. There were tear-tracks on his cheeks, and the marauders had a moment of silence in memory of the countless bits of lost cheese in the world.

They were then subjected to a good deal of cleaning charms, as was the room around them. Remus felt a good deal of bitterness welling up from the deep place in him he liked to call his sanity.

Afterwards they were led into an empty classroom to eat a late dinner while their dorm was inspected. None of them wanted to be there when McGonagall discovered the Green-Slime Thing had not, as she'd believed, been vanquished in the fire of '75. It was to be a dark moment.

Sirius sipped calmly at his pumpkin juice. He could vaguely remember something happening that day…He thought it had been rather exciting. He hoped he'd enjoyed himself quite thoroughly.

"So, who's up for some marauding tonight?" He piped, ignoring the glare Remus gave him.

James shook his head. "No, I missed practice today, remember? I've got _hours_ of wasted time to make up…"

Peter picked at the scab of a scrape he couldn't remember receiving. It wasn't the first time. "I'm up for going to the kitchens, if—" He broke off.

Sirius stared in fixed horror. "_Song_…._elf_….._ELVES_!" He shouted, spewing innocent tuna at the floor and wall. Remus had a revelation as to how their room had become an environmental hazard.

"That's disgusting, Si," James said lazily. He was lying on the stone floor, using his fingers to practice quidditch maneuvers.

Sirius gave a shiver, before slumping back down and taking another mouthful of sandwich. A content look crossed his face.

Actually, it was surprising that Sirius refused to go to the kitchens. For one, he believed quite fervently that house-elves just took their 'breaks' in the kitchens. Remus had never found the opportune moment to tell him that his adversaries prepared his meals. Secondly, Sirius had never turned down the chance to pull a trick on house-elves, so long as he didn't have to see one. Evidently he'd decided not to push his luck today.

Peter found his wand. It was snuggled happily in his left pocket, and had been there since last August. It had an easy life.

Remus stretched. Life was good when you were locked in an abandoned classroom waiting to see if you were going to be expelled.

Sirius's voice captured, beat and laughed at his content moment. "How many Levitation Licorices do you think it would take to put that monster house-elf on the ceiling for a month?"

Remus was extremely grateful when McGonagall chose that moment to escort them back to their dorm.

* * *

He slept extremely well, after returning his contraband chocolate wrappers to their rightful place under his bed. Cleanliness couldn't cure everything.

_Sweet relief blew through the minds of the tired comrades, like a fresh dewy breeze from the dark ocean. It lit a candle of peace in—_

"I swear Black that if you keep humming I'll get up and box your ears," James threatened needlessly, as Peter stunned Sirius without even sitting up.

Remus commended him on his Gryffindor bravery before beginning to snore loudly.

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Yuperoo, for all it's delayed updating, lack of cohesiveness in style and proper grammar among other things, I do believe this story is finished. Plot holes aside, I rather liked it.

And yes, I have every intention of writing more on the marauders, and soon. Please review and tell me what you thought, so I'll know what to write about next!

_

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Next on Silent Planet: Review Responses with Remus Lupin._

_Note: Five-second _(or month….) _time delay._

Remus wandered into the room, limping and slightly cross-eyed. He seemed to be doing rather well till he walked into the table. Rubbing his stomach, he stumbled around before collapsing into his _Announcer Chair™_. Blowing dust bunnies off the reviews, he began.

"Wow! This response has been overwhelming, thanks so much!" Coughing, he continued. "Of course, Silent Planet grows less merciful the better the re…" He glowered at the table, before jumping several feet as the rogue Goa'uld Silent Planet keeps zapped him in the back.

_'Your reward shall be great, Teal'c.'_

Remus glared and shifted, rubbing gingerly at his shoulder.

"Obviously, it is up to me to keep this shows ratings up." He murmured.

The camera guy shifted nervously. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be a part of such rebellion.

"On to the responses!" Remus exclaimed. The producer nodded encouragingly.

"To **Freja**! Why yes, you most certainly can say so in English. And thankfully for our jobs—" The camera shakes as the camera man nods fervently "the author has conceded to continue the lunacy into the responses. Thanks!"

Just then, Sirius Black ran screaming madly into the room.

"She wants me! She wants me!"

Covering his head in shame, Remus conceded the point.

"To the dearest, most loverly and fine **BrennQT**. I have composed a poem in the honor of thou's soulful review.

"_Thou's review is as fine_

As these toes of mine 

_And now I shall dine!"_

_'And thanks for the advice. I'm sorry about the lack of conversation, I guess I just wasn't in a talking mood…Anyway, I tried to fix that some._

Sirius is pushed off the stage. The producer holds a conference to see if that needs to be edited out. They are outvoted by the _Voice From Above_.

"ANYWAY," Remus cleared his throat.

"Thanks **Athena Diagon Cat**. I figure Dumbledore's studied just about everything. He's like, 150 years old, and Supreme Mugwump. A law degree seems fitting." He laughs nervously. "At least, that's what I'm being prompted to say."

Teal'c waves his weapon threateningly.

Remus turned back to the camera and grinned, spilling coffee on the pristine marble-look-alike table.

"And to **Vindicated16**….Between you and me, if you want to know why Sirius does anything you'll have to ask him yourself. Thanks for reading though!"

"Next to **the7bells. **We're sorry about the POV mess, Silent Planet tried forever but was being obnoxious. Sorry!"

_'I'll try and remember to check out your fic. Sigh…finding time for anything is such a bummer now. Curse school. Thanks so much for reviewing!"_

"And to **CestMoi-Lily**. Thank you so much!" Remus blushes as he reads. "I'm going to forget you thought we were all loveable, since all the others are just deranged. Thank you!"

"Next: Thanks to **Mikomi Bansiki**! We certainly hope this chapter was to your liking!"

"Thank you to **Rosie!" **Remus ducks down after his chocolate bar.

_'I know Lily isn't in this…I tried to stick her in a bit, but I just don't see her hanging out in a boys' dorm. Sorry! I like L/J as much as anyone…'_

"Next to **Mio Granger**. Thank you so much!"

_'Chew, Remus. You're getting chocolate on my pretend furniture.' _

"Thank you to **Jak Kat**! 'Poor boy' isn't the way I would describe Sirius, though…"

_'I have plot! I'm ecstatic!' _

"And on to **Neva13**! Thank you, we really love your reviews!"

_'Thank you so much! I love being recommended…ah, I can feel my ego swelling…I'll check out your story when I can, thanks!'_

"And to **Rockabilly**. You know," Remus glanced behind himself. "Sirius isn't really cute. He just puts that on for show. Anyway, thank you so much!"

"To **her-emness**. Thank you so much! Haha…." Laughter turns into choking. "What is it with these people and Sirius, eh?"

_'Thank you!'_

"Anyway. To **Arianna Leciav. **I'll have you know that you scared the author to death….actually it was kinda funny…."

_'I thought I was getting a flame! Hahaha…'_

"Yes anyway. Thank you so much! I hope you are feeling better."

_'I want to rule the world.'_

"Yes, yes. You want a lot of things, don't you?" Remus scowled.

"Moving on to **Mooncheese**. Thank you so much for the review! We were all shocked when she announced a plan to update before July, really…"  
"And to **Spork Princess. **Feel free to inform said parents that 'Moony says chocolate is good.' I think that'll help!" Remus leaned back, looking smug.

_"Thanks for the review!" _

"And thank you to **Yoshimi Wolfspaw**!"

_'Do any of you, as writers, ever look back on your work unable to even remember what it was about? I do that all the time…often in disbelief that I really wrote it.'_

"And to **Under-The-Moonlight**, a very big thank you! Thank you very much!"

"And to **Jeran**, hold on…" grabbed a stack of paper. "Gracias ago. Scio non Spanish, sed scio parvus Latinus."

_'That is, I don't know any Spanish, but I do know some rather mangled Latin. Thank you! Haha…'_

Remus runs off stage to compare notes.

"Okay, well…" He sits back down. "The next reviewer, who shan't be named because she is that sort of soul, just gets a response of "Ni."

_'Ni! Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, NI! Ahem. Don't ask.'_

"Anyway. Now onto **Bobskull9**. Thank you so much! YOU ARE THE ONE-HUNDRETH REVIEWER! Lucky you."

_'Well, there are lots of good humor stories. I'd check out TheLittlestElf, Ramification series by Rabbity something on my favs, The Gryffindor Oracle, etc. etc. Many of the stories on my favorites are humor, haha…' _

"And to **Avalon Estel**. Thank you very much!"

_'NaNoWriMo was excellent. I encourage everyone to give it a go if they can.'_

"And finally to **HealerAriel**! Thank you so much!"

Remus waited till the light blinked off before groaning and falling on the floor, deciding to sleep the rest of the afternoon.


End file.
